Reclaiming My Kindergarten Superlative

When I was in kindergarten at Estes Hills Elementary, I received Estes Eagle of the Month. This was an award given to one student in every class, for displaying some type of honorable value. My certificate, which I so proudly brought home to mom and dad, was a certificate of bravery. I remember vividly being awarded this honor, this isn’t the type of thing a five-year-old forgets. But when I look back, the certificate is quite literally the only thing I can remember about it. I have absolutely no clue what my “brave” action was. Clearly, it must have been very noteworthy.

As the years went by, I won my fair share of awards, as most of us did. I’ve got the participation ribbons from summer swim league, despite coming in last almost every meet, the occasional club volleyball medal, and the superlative awards from every post-season potluck. These items have collected dust in my childhood dresser - as they did in all my friends' dressers too. Most of those awards lost relevance as I grew older, all except one, the Estes Eagle of the Month.

To be fully transparent, I think very highly of myself. I am confident, and I think that is something women are taught not to say out loud. But I will say it proudly. I have many valuable skills, but when I think of my most notable qualities, brave would be at the bottom of the barrel. The last round draft pick, if you will. For this reason, I have always struggled to fathom little Katie receiving that award. Anything else would have felt more fitting. I am afraid of heights and I am downright skittish. I watch my friends jump off cliffs into the water as I stick behind, searching for an easier path down. I cried every single morning in my preschool drop-off line, and to this day my brother’s favorite activity is jumping out from behind a door frame when I walk past - he knows my reaction will be Oscar worthy. When you look up the meaning of the adjective brave, the following definition appears: Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage.

I avoid danger at all costs. As an Enneagram Type 6 personality, I am security oriented, always looking to protect myself and others. I was set in believing that courage and security are antithetical, that is until I read Glennon Doyle’s memoir, Untamed.

I am rarely at a loss for words, but reading Untamed left me absolutely speechless. If you are a woman, if you know a woman, if you love a woman in any way, shape or form, I encourage you to read this book. I’ll go ahead and link it here to make it easy for you. Untamed is liberating. It teaches women how to trust their own boundaries and intuition and to lean into their wild, truest form of themselves. As I tore through the pages, I marked the phrases that hit particularly hard, one of those reading as follows:

“Brave does not mean feeling afraid and doing it anyway. Brave means living from the inside out. Brave means, in every uncertain moment, turning inward, feeling for the Knowing, and speaking it out loud.”

Untamed taught me that you don’t have to be ready to face danger to be brave. Courage is allowing yourself to listen to what you need, and acting on it. Courage is saying no when everyone else is saying yes. Bravery is putting yourself first. We are conditioned to believe that putting yourself first is narcissistic and egotistical. But the opposite rings true. When you allow yourself to listen to your needs, you give yourself the space to be the truest, healthiest version of yourself. It is only from this place that you can give back to others fully. When you listen to your needs, you can then create healthier relationships with those who matter, and you teach them to honor their needs too. Turning inward takes courage, turning inward IS courage.

I am brave because I listen to myself and my boundaries. I say no when I am uncomfortable, even when everyone else says yes. I am brave because I am saying to put yourself first, in a world that punishes women for being too self-centered and confident. I am brave because I listen to myself, and from this I can be present when I listen to others, bringing my full self to the conversation. My ability to listen and care for my people is one of my greatest strengths, and it comes from a place of understanding my own emotions and experiences. To be able to listen fully has much more to do with bravery than I ever once thought.

Glennon writes, "The braver I am, the luckier I get.”

We all need a little more luck in our lives, so do yourself a favor and read Untamed. Join me in unlearning those dictionary definitions, and begin to lean into your own bravery, unapologetically.